Monday, April 28, 2008

a whole lotta bloggin' to do

I don't even know where to begin this entry. I feel like there are a plethora of anecdotes that have occurred over the past few days that simply can not go without documentation. So, I think I will present them in list-form. I think this is going to get long. But if I were a betting man, I'd put money on this being worth your while.

Starting with the Bees Game Thursday night that I attended with Chamonix and her brother Ryan. First of all, we had front row seats right behind home plate, which was awesome. But we were also sitting by these two guys who were pretty funny. And, throughout the night, we exchanged pleasantries here and there with them. Well, Cham and I also spent a lot of time objectifying the umpire, who was definitely hot and sexy. Seriously. Quite hot and quite sexy. And, I think these two dudes definitely noticed our admiration for him. At one point Cham and I were exchanging some witty banter about the little bag the umpire wears that is full of new baseballs for the players. We were saying crap like - "Now... would you call that thing a fanny pack?" and "Or, would it be more like a side pack?". You know, funny stuff. So all of a sudden the guy next to me turns and says "Actually... It's called a ball sack." Full body laughter ensued.

Skip Friday.

Saturday was a busy bomb I tell you.

Cham and I went to the gateway and encountered not one but TWO broken pop machines for a loss of $1.25. Which was disappointing. But not nearly as disappointing as when we showed up at Costco expecting pizza, only to discover that their food court was closed for renovations. SCREW RENOVATIONS!!! We wanted pizza. But, ugh. We got hot dogs and two warm cans of pop instead. You do what you have to do, people.

Then... Saturday night. It began with the bootcamp party. We brought a huge shrimp platter and had a party with all these people, who we only know by their last names, amongst a bunch of exercise equipment. It was pretty funny. Especially when Instructor Thomas announced how fantastic Cham and I looked in our "Civvies", aka: normal clothes. Ohhhhhhhhhh and we smelled good too.

Then we got Mary Kayed in the Maverick parking lot. What's Mary Kayed? You ask... Well, it's what happens when you're sitting in the car waiting for Cham to come out of the Maverick and these two pretty hot dudes pull up next to you in a giant white Denali and make all kinds of eyes at you and say "YOW!!!!" and then the two girls who they are clearly on a date with get out of the back seat and walk by you into Maverick. And it doesn't stop there, because then the girls tell you that the car is hot! And the guys keep making eyes at you and you are laughing so hard and Cham comes out and gets in the car and is like, WTF? And then you're all, I don't know those dudes are in love with us. And it's pretty funny. So you just start up the car and back out because you've got to get to the Dierks Bentley concert. But as you pull out you see a giant MARY KAY: ENRICHING WOMEN'S LIVES sticker on the back of their car and laugh your ass off. THAT, my friends, is getting Mary Kayed.

So we pull up to the E Center and for the LOVE, parking is $10. That is too much. So Cham and I say all sweet and flirty like to the parking guy "Oh man, $10 that is so much, can't we give you $5?" And he's all "What's in it for me? How about dinner?" and we say "You want us to buy you dinner? All they've got in there are hot dogs..." and the guy says "Okayyyyyyyyyy give me $5." So we did.

Okay, so believe it or not, this is where it starts getting REALLY GOOD. We went to Dierks Bentley, of course. And as luck would have it, I managed to score us tickets in the suite. And as luck would have it, some of THE most awesome ladies I know were in the same suite and had already ordered drinks and chicken wings. God, I love those ladies. So we watch the concert, stand around, laugh, drink, talk, eat, etc... At one point Chamonix and I are talking and she suddenly stops and says "Lady..." and just points toward the chicken wings. What do I see? Well, it's a rather large woman, who is either REALLY drunk, REALLY on drugs or maybe a little bit mentally challenged. She is definitely not someone who is sitting in our suite. But, she definitely is cleaning out her cleavage with a napkin by the chicken wings. That's right. You heard me. But it doesn't stop there. She proceeds to take the glass plate meant only to hold the tongs, and LOADS it up with chicken wings. Our chicken wings. Cham, Wendy, Evan and I are all watching in dismay as this is happening. She loads the plate up with wings and walks out the door. Well, clearly the only choice is to follow her. So we do. Out the door and down the corridor of the E Center as she literally leaves a trail of chicken wings on the floor for us to follow. We lost her for a second, but discovered she entered one of the portals. So we go into the portal and she's just standing on the stairs eating those wings. So Evan sneaks up, reaches over and snatches one of the wings off of her plate and we all start laughing and running like a bunch of 5-year-olds. He throws the wing away and we go back to the suite and laugh and whoop it up about this occurrence for about 10 minutes, until... SHE COMES BACK. Empty chicken wing plate in hand and her face all messy with sauces. Chamonix grabs the plate from her and Wendy's all "You can't have any more of our wings..." So she leaves, dejected and sad. So Evan goes out and tries to get her to let him buy her some food or something. Instead she just looks at him and says "Those fuckers made my hands all sticky." Ummmmm... seriously. We were dyyyyyyyying about this. Even Wendy said "This is probably one of the funniest things that has ever happened to me. And I'm 50." Chicken wing thieves... you have to love them.

This next tidbit might be real hard because you kind of have to just picture this in your mind okay? Yesterday morning Cham, Ryan and I go to have breakfast at Over the Counter Cafe. Aside from Ryan sitting in butter, the breakfast was lovely. So we exited the restaurant and stood outside talking, enjoying the GLORIOUS weather. Well, we could not help but notice these two little boys covered in packing peanuts and their dog, also covered in packing peanuts. The dog was a mutt-type, probably about 12 pounds. And obviously the two little boys were in charge of this dog and oh man, I don't know how to explain this. But, they were basically trying to clean off the dog with a witch's broom and it was probably the funniest thing ever. Especially when one of them kind of gave up and straddled the dog grabbed his two front legs and just started hopping all over the sidewalk with it. Just imagine it. I don't know... But that dog could jump.

This was followed by us pulling out of the parking lot and witnessing a man on a bike being hit by a car. Don't worry, everyone was fine and they eventually even hugged. But not before the guy screamed "LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY FUCKING BIKE!". Dude... you just flew into the road and SLAMMED your (helmeted) head on the ground. Perhaps the number one concern at the moment isn't the bike. Oh well.

If you've read this whole thing, man, good job.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

There really are myriad reasons to drive to Utah County...

Primarily for Grey's Anatomy night with Jenn.
But also to see this:

Monday, April 21, 2008


So, when we went to Moab a couple weekends ago, we adhered to tradition and drove out to Dead Horse Point to watch the sunset one night. We sat out and ate chips and salsa and laughed and talked for quite some time. When we were getting ready to leave, this man came up to us and said he had taken some pictures of us from afar. He said if they turned out well, he'd happily email them to us.
Well he did do. And aren't you glad?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

just a portion of today's most entertaining telephone conversation

me: Oh my gosh, have you seen the new milk ads?

reade: The new milk ads...? for milk?

me: Yeah... for milk.

both me & reade: Baahahahaha! ha ha. yeah.

reade: Ha. Oh. This is probably going on the blog.

me: Yep.

Monday, April 14, 2008

If I were easily offended, you and I probably wouldn't be friends.

Many great quotes/hilarious moments came out of the past few days. I'm going to give you my top two moments right now. It might be a little random. But I'm random. So, just roll with it.

As I mentioned earlier, I went to Moab this past weekend with my mom and two of her friends Tonia and Samantha. It was quite fun and there were definitely some noteworthy moments. One of which is this blog entry's namesake. Basically we were just all hiking along and my mom and Tonia were talking. My mom said something to Tonia about her needing to put more sunscreen on and did the whole - I know I'm being motherly and I don't want to offend you but... - thing. And Tonia was all Oh Laurel... If I were easily offended, you and I probably wouldn't be friends. And that was when I pretty much died laughing. I hope you know my mom so you know that this is not only hilarious, but true (Really in the best way).

Friday morning Cham & I did go to bootcamp before I left town for Moab. Fridays are bleacher days as I'm sure you know by now. So we go to Hillcrest to do the regular drill. We go down to the track and line up in our formation like we do every Friday. The thing is, Fridays are a big day because everyone from every class is there. And ALL the new PTs from that week are there finishing off their Hell Week in their vests and what not. So they need go get all the instructions on how to march and run and everything. And every week Instructor Thomas does this little talk about it. He tells you what to do so you don't get hurt and how to act, etc. And the basic point behind it all is that if you can not keep up, you need to fall out of formation and go to the back where one of the instructors will help you.

Well. This is what he said:
ALRIGHT! Listen up!! I don't want to have any injuries on my watch! So make sure you are one arm's length behind the person in front of you! And if you can't keep up, go to the back and someone will do you from the rear!!!

Wait... What?
Go to the back. And someone will DO YOU. FROM THE REAR.
This is EXACTLY what he said. I'm not elaborating or exaggerating for the sake of funny times. Try to be amongst about 50 or 60 people who are all lined up all serious and military style and NOT laugh when someone screams that at you. Oh we laughed. Silently and hard. And we laughed... Instructor Crook was laughing so hard I saw him run to the back so Thomas wouldn't see him. Thing is, he just gets talking so fast he doesn't even know what he's saying half the time. But, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Just a Couple Things

So kids. Tomorrow I'm taking off to Moab for the weekend with my Mom and two other ladies I don't even know. I'm thinking this is going to be a good thing, since the past two mornings I've actually barfed when I brushed my teeth. A touch of anxiety sure can do wonders, can't it?

Yeah. It'll be good to get out of town for a minute.

Until then, I think everyone should try and comprehend the overwhelming level of cuteness achieved here:

That is all.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

hot ear

I need to talk about the phenomenon known as "hot ear" right now. I feel pretty confident that at least some if not all of my friends know what hot ear is. I KNOW Dirk does.
If you don't know, hot ear is what it sounds like. It's when, for no particular reason, one of your ears gets REALLY HOT AND RED. Like a hot little fireball. And it's SO ANNOYING. And hot. And red. And it's your ear.
Well, for the past couple of days old lefty's been working up a real good case of hot ear. It's driving me nuts. And I might cut it off. Seriously people, this has been going since... I'd say Sunday night.
See for yourself regular, right ear is pictured on the left. What I'm now calling "hotsy" is on the right:

Why so hot little guy? Hmmm?

Monday, April 7, 2008

How bootcamp is NOW...

Okay so remember the days of hell week at bootcamp? With the whole "no eye-balling" the instructors thing? And no talking? And all the yelling? And the punishment push ups? Well it's true. That part of bootcamp was hilarious. But post hell week... Now that's REALLY hilarious

The thing is, once you're out of hell week, your relationship with the instructors basically does a complete 180. Don't get me wrong; the workouts are still HARD. Maybe even harder than during hell week. But now, you're looking them in the eye, chatting them up, discussing things, joking, laughing, the whole bit. And sometimes, it's pretty funny.

Today I'm on my treadmill, going going going. Running. Waiting for Sparks to call me out to do the circuit. And, basically at the moment he calls me out, my hand accidentally slams the STOP button on the treadmill.
Stopping the treadmill is a big no-no at bootcamp.

So, this is how the conversation went, the whole time both of us laughing:

Sparks - "MORRIS!?!?!!?! Did you stop my treadmill?"

Me - "NOOO... Never. No. It was an accident. Promise promise. Accident."

Sparks - "Morris. Did your boobs hit the stop button on my treadmill?"

Me - "Ha ha ha. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Ha. What?!? No. Ha."

Thursday, April 3, 2008


Most of you probably know about the Filipino Prisoners and their truly amazing dances. Well, they've got a new one. And seriously... I can't get enough. Watch and you can see, they are doing this with passion. They are feeling it. Make sure you watch until the end - big finish.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

In Bruges

I know I'm a little late on this but um... In Bruges.
If you haven't seen it, see it now. If you have seen it and didn't like it and we're friends, we might need to reevaluate the relationship.

Basically, if you know me, and I think you do know me, you know this movie was pretty much made for me.

Attractive main character with sexy accent - check.
Beautiful European setting - check.
Extreme violence related to organized crime - check.
Not to mention a million other things that basically all come together to make a perfect movie.

Colin Farrell where have you BEEN? Oh man people. He is awesome in this. Complicated, sad, cute, funny, mean. Plus, every supporting character is also fantastic. Ralph Fiennes is pretty much always fantastic, but he also happens to look pretty fantastic and in kind of a weird way in this one. And the other guy, Brendan Gleeson, definitely should have won some kind of award. He wins my award anyway.

The story is unique and interesting. The characters are all well thought out, well acted and developed. The movie just LOOKS gorgeous. I really can't say enough. But I really don't want to say too much because I just want you to go see it.
Go go go.
Go now.